Sea inside

I was 18. I had just appeared in my Higher Secondary Examination. I had experienced every bit of man to man sex. The one thing I did not know was I am a same sex lover. I would not say that I am gay. Because, the Bengali of the word gay/homosexual is "shomokami" meaning ''sexually attracted to same sex person". But I was sure, it was not only an urge to sleep with a boy/man. It was more than that. It was an intense desire to be loved by someone. I had two love stories in my kitty. Both were failed. Both had almost broken me into pieces. Yet I was walking, talking and doing every other thing with those broken pieces. I had to do so. I had to hide the sea inside myself from my near and dear ones.

I, then, started looking for someone, of same interest, to share a few talks, my views, to sit by the shore to enjoy a gentle breeze coming from the sea inside myself. I knew the sea could give me some wonderful story of courageous voyage. I also knew that the sea could give birth to tsunami, typhoon. Still I was looking for. I had one fine word inside my head-''gay''. A friend of mine from the school days, who used to praise my then-then bubble butt a lot, used the word in some connection. I did not pay any notice then. I did not know that I was or I could be gay. All i knew that I love to be with a man/boy. I love to see dick pics. I love to see big bulges. Later, I understood that those were nothing but mere outcome of my boyhood fantasies.

I searched for the world ''gay'' and I found so many porno websites. I wanted to see the movies, I wanted to savor the forbidden pleasure. But I did not know how. I clearly can remember I spent many hours in the cyber cafe just looking for those stuffs. But I was much more interested to know about same minded people if there were any. Then I started chatting on the famous chat room www.bdchat.com . It was long and tiresome. But I was looking for someone to share my ideas with. Thus one day I found out the only gay groups of Bangladeshi boys . It was sudden but I was so moved by the idea. Unfortunately, I lost their site address because it is not easily accessible. I was sad but kept searching for. It was a long pause. By that time, I started meeting people from the chat room. One of them let me know about the link and I logged in. I was happy that at last I found what I was looking for. I was happy that at last I would find some people to share my thoughts with.

As it happen with many boys in this indo-pak subcontinent, the first sexual exposure of a boy starts within his family, with another cousin brother/uncle or someone bigger. The same happened with me. It started within the closet and spread ed outside it. But sleeping with people, I have not known before, felt kind of awkward to me in the beginning. But I was a growing boy and had my certain urges. I nodded to them and started having it with people I have met for the first time. Most of the time, it has been just blow jobs or hand jobs. Because, taking the session to a full course was still an enigma for me. I was shaky but curious.

In this blog, I will keep talking about different aspects of my life, our life-the way I have seen. Hope it would help you to know about us.